Today was the second day of the Hillsongs Colour conference 2015 and I was so blessed by the words spoken from the stage Beth Moore and Dawnchere Wilkerson. They brought to us a powerful word from God.
However tonight as we travelled back on the tube the girls were joking about being unable to do it themselves. I laughed and as it was on the tip of my tongue to say “Oh I don’t let any one not even God do anything for me”.
It was although the Holy Spirit immediately responded “yes, but the things I want to do are not for you, they are for me, and my kingdom”.
My train of thought immediately stopped and I found myself saying “I’m sorry Lord. I had never thought of it like that before“. I took the decision to write it down, for two reasons; one its a moment in time I never expected and I want it marked in my memory and I’m my life, and two I believe this is not just a word for my life but for others.
It is safe to say I am officially the most stubborn person on the planet, I am self sufficient in some ways and I like to think I am self sufficient in others, I like to believe I can live life solo, on my own, in my own island. Oh how wrong I am. My husband will possibly enjoy reading this paragraph as he is the poor soul who has to put up with it the most but today as God said I want to do things in you that will be for my benefit I realised how little I let him get to close. I don’t let very many people get too close, I have a guard, a gate that remains firmly closed, and I push people away, sometimes when God gets too close to personal things I shut down also. I believe he understands, I believe he gets why I am who I am, and I think everything he tries is simply to make me see that he is my sufficiency. I get it. I know it. But living it is two very separate things.
For me it is not that easy, it’s not that I like being in control, it’s probably that I like holding the steering wheel way, too much. I hate the unknown, and I am useless at vulnerability, it’s scary and although I try with it for a while with a faith that says yes God, there is times when I cannot bear it no more and I grab the wheel without a second glance at my saviour who’s nail pierced hands I have torn away and who’s shadow in which I no longer reside. I wonder what he thinks as a run a mile turning the wheel frantically as I hope I’m heading in the right direction, waves and storms flinging my soul from one way to another.
However it is only when I glance up and see those eyes of his, the eyes willing to take the wheel and allow me the rest my soul truly desires that I then remember his strength, his shining joy, his depthless love, and his boundless grace. For it is only in him that my life flourishes and my dreams come alive. It is in him my whole world becomes more than the little girl with vulnerabilities and fears. It is in him I find peace in the storms of this life.
Every time I call his name, he runs my way. He takes the wheel of my life, and directs it to the calm waters, just as in Psalm 28 which reads so beautifully:
“The Lord is my strength and my shield; my hearts trusts in him, and He Helps me.”
Or in the message which reads:
“Blessed be God- he heard me praying. He’s proved he is on my side; I’ve thrown my lot in with him. Now I’m jumping for joy, and shouting and singing my thanks to him. God is all strength for his people.”
Wow God is ALL strength, he is everything that we need all of the time, every day, in every situation, he is always at work in us. You know just as this verse reads, “I’ve thrown my lot in with him” oh there is no where safer for your lot to be than in the hands of almighty God. As he works in my life I will drop my guard and today I will make a new declaration in my life to put my lot, IT ALL, in with him, and then I will jump, shout and sing my thanks, my praise, to him.