Depression is like a ghost, it disappears for a while and when least expected it appears silently, out of what seems to be no where, hitting you like a brick wall as hard as it did the first time. The emotions feel as real. The hurt in the physical is more intense every time as you struggle to cope with all of the unknown.
We don’t know how bad we will become when depression hits again, nor do we know the questions, feelings, or memories that will rare their ugly head to torment us once again. We cannot and will never understand why everything swings around as though on a Merry go round. One day we feel better and those days go on until we think were ‘getting there’ and then… bam!
We are once again fighting with those old memories wishing we had taken opportunities when they were there, and begging our minds to ignore the pain, to disintegrate the things we do not wish to remember and to build up and bring to the forefront the memories of happy times that seem so long ago in a distant part of our lives. We ache for the good, yet we hurt so vividly over the bad.
Life must go on and no matter how many times we can try the truth is it never leaves us, we just have to ride the waves another day and pray that in the midst we might learn something of worth that says it was all meant to be.
We cling to Romans 8:28 that says ‘all things work together for the good of The Lord,’ and to verses that say ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you’, ‘you remain in the palm of my hand’ and ‘nothing can separate us’ but it’s hard, it’s hard to remember some days when the going is tough and it feels like it could all be a lie. BUT I know my Jesus, and I know he does not lie to me or for me, and I know he loves me. My heart knows all of this and when my mind plays tricks on me, when my emotions are strong and the hole of depression is at it’s blackest that I stand firmly in the word of God which says there is ‘no shadow of turning in me’ and to me and to my cross which bears your pains is where you cling. You are covered in His blood and he is the father of all things, the knower and the creator, the brother, the lover, the hand you should hold. We, you, I, am never alone. Our lives our a mixed bundle of unknown to everyone but to the days filled with depression this is hard to take, hard to comprehend but we stand on and in the words of a God who isn’t just caring, loving, or fatherly but in the love of a God who knows us now, and knows what will come.